


It's been a while since I saw you

by Sha_Ocean



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bittersweet Ending, London, M/M, Tree Bros, adult evan, dear evan hansen - Freeform, kinda mcr inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-12-30 12:08:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12108384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sha_Ocean/pseuds/Sha_Ocean
Summary: Evan and Connor were a couple in highschool. They've been a couple for about a year. But when Evan went to a different college than Connor the relationship broke apart.They barely saw each other and barely had the time to call or text each other.So they both thought that it was better to end it.Now they're both 26 and it's been 8 years since they last saw each other.They didn't think to see each other ever again, but it seems like they were wrong.





	1. Day 1

**Author's Note:**

> So basicially I was listening to MCR's "Kill all your friends" and the line "It's been 8 bitter years since I've been seeing your face" kinda inspired me to write this. 
> 
> I also really like London and included some places I went to when I was there.  
> I'm sorry if some things might be wrong. It's been some months since I was there and I can't remember everything to 100%.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan's first in day in London

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this turns out good

Evan woke up to the sound of the plane landing. He hated flying, that's one thing that'll never change. So he always tries to fall asleep. He tries to avoid planes as much as possible, but he had some weeks off from work and wanted to go on vacation. He wanted to go somewhere he's never been to before. He always loved the UK, but especially London had a huge place in his heart. He just really liked the landscape and the coasts and the ocean. At first he thought about taking Jared with him or his mom, but Jared had "better plans" and his mom already booked another vacation. She was on her way to San Francisco with some of her female colleagues. And since he was an adult now, he didn't want to not go because of such a thing like flying alone. He deserved this vacation. He truly earned it. Plus he also swore to himself to not let his anxiety hold him back anymore. Because one day he'd regret not taking chances or opportunities. 

After he finally had his luggage he went outside to get a cab. He was way too tired and jetlagged and the only thing he wanted to do was to get to his hotel and sleep a bit. It was 7 pm in London, which meant that it was already midnight in New York. He moved to New York after college for his job. Normally he'd be in bed already. So it was time to actually get there. There'd still be enough time in the morning and the next weeks to explore the city and all of its places. 

When he finally arrived in in his hotel suite and connected his phone to the wifi he checked his messages. There were some mails from his workplace and some texts from his mom and Jared. 

Jared: have a safe flight and dont die  
Jared : and don't freak out, acorn  
Jared : srsly be safe and pls dont send any tree pics thx

Evan laughed to himself. Jared barely changed in the last 8 years. He still liked to make jokes about other people, especially Evan. It was a mystery to Evan how Jared's girlfriend could deal with that. They were a cute couple, but if he had to spend that much with Jared he'd go insane. 

The messages from his mom were more serious and kind.

Mom : Have a safe flight and don't forget to text me, honey  
Mom : Text me as soon as you land  
Mom : You definetely have to visit me when you're back. I miss you , sweety

Evan sighed. He hated living that far away from his mother. She missed him a lot and he really felt guilty from to time for just leaving her alone at home. Of course she said that it's alright and that she'd be fine, plus it had something to do with Evan's job, but he still felt terrible. He only saw her over the holidays for a couple of days. And even though he moved away 2 years ago, he still missed his home. Would he ever get used to this ?

He quickly responed to his mom's and to Jared's text before changing his clothes and finally going to bed. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He woke up around 9am on the next morning. He quickly took a shower and got ready. It was a monday morning, so he figured he go into the city and explore it a little bit. He'd visit the typical "tourist places" in the first days or weeks and then he'd explore the landscapes.  
His hotel wasn't that far away from the city. It was actually pretty close to the King's Cross station from where he could travel to the city per bus or tube.  
It took him about 10 minutes to get from his hotel called "The Generator" to his station "King's Cross St.Pancras".  
He took the Victoria Line and left the tube at the "Oxford Circus" station.  
It was very crowded. Years ago he would have panicked and have a full on panic attack, but he got better. He still didn't feel totally comfortable in crowded places, but he could live with it. 

It was October and already pretty cold. But he loved the fall. The leaves turned into the most beautiful and different colours; it got colder, but not too cold; the fall just reminded him that nothing can bloom every single day of the year and that that's totally fine. It showed him that good times have to come to an end, but that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. He just liked the fall. 

Evan wanted to buy some souvenirs for his mom and his friends. He was still in contact with Jared, Alana and even Zoe. Sure, they didn't see each other that often anymore, but they were still his friends.  
So when Evan passed a "Lush Store" he just couldn't resist. He didn't know where the rumor about Jared eating bathbombs came from, but he thought it was funny. Sure, they have Lush in the US too, but he just had to go in there and buy something for Jared.  
He went into the "Pen Shop" to find something for Alana. She loved to write, especially since college. He wasn't sure if she already loved it before, but he knew that she really got into it in freshman year in college.  
He went into "hmv" (a music store) to look after some things for Zoe. Her love for music was endless.  
And he went into "Whittard" for his mom. She loved drinking tea.  
At the end of the day he had some things for everyone. He thought about heading back to the Hotel, when he saw a shop called "Kingdom of sweets". He just had to go in there. He wasn't that much into sweets, but all of his friends, including his mom, were. 

After he had some sweets for everyone, something sour for Jared, something extremely sweet for Alana, some kind of chocolate for Zoe and something coffee flavoured for his mom, he was ready to leave the store. When he turned around the corner, he saw a guy a couple of steps infront of him.  
He had shoulder long curly brown hair,put into a messy bun; very defined cheekbones; he was pale; very tall; slim; he wore some black Doc Martens boots. Was that..?  
Evan walked into the opposite direction.  
Could that be ? Was that really Connor ? It had to be some sort of doppelganger. How high were the chances of meeting his ex, in a candy store, in London, after 8 years of not seeing each other ? 

"Babe? Do you want something else?" Oh shit, that was indeed Connor's voice. You just couldn't forget Connor's voice. And he had just called someone 'babe'.  
What was he supposed to do ? Wait ? Keep walking and ignore him ? Keep walking and talk to him? So he just stood there, behind a shelf, hoping to not be seen. 

When Evan checked if Connor was still there he saw that he had already left. He sighed.  
It's not like he didn't want to see him, it was more like he didn't know if Connor wanted to see HIM. He'd actually like to talk to him. They didn't break up in a fight, there were no dishes being thrown, no shouting, none of that. They ended on good terms. He'd love to hear what he was doing now. Was he happy ? Was he following his dreams ? Where did he meet his partner ? Did he live in London? He'd love to catch up with him. It's been 8 long years since he saw and actually talked to him.  
Evan checked his phone. It was 5pm. He should probably eat something and then maybe head back to the hotel.  
Since he was visitting some very 'tourist like places' he figured that he also should eat something very 'tourist like'. So he went for fish&chips. He actually found a little restaurant not too far away. It was called "Golden Union".  
Then he headed back to the tube station and drove back to his hotel.  
As soon as he got there he fished his phone out of his pocket and sent Jared a text. 

Evan : You'll never believe me who I just saw.  
Jared : the queen?  
Evan : No. Guess again  
Jared: i dunno dude. tell me  
Evan : Fine. Connor.  
Jared : WAIT !!  
Jared : THE connor ??  
Evan : How many Connors do we both know?  
Jared : OH MY GOD!! did you talk to him ? pls tell me u didnt  
Evan : No, I didn't. Why ?  
Jared : ohh thank jesus. that'd be soo weird and awkward, so it'd be sth u'd do  
Evan : Very funny. He didn't see me. And it seems like he's in a relationship again  
Jared : WITH ???  
Evan : Idk. I didn't saw them.  
Jared : did u ask zoe ? she'd know  
Evan : NO and don't ask her. That'd make it seem like I still like him, which I don't  
Jared : sure ;)  
Jared : no offence but its almost midnight here, so ima go to bed. dont talk to him, night  
Evan : I won't. Night 

He wasn't into Connor anymore. It's been almost a decade since their breakup. Evan quickly texted his mom saying he was fine , before he took out his laptop and answered some mails from work. He was still on vacation, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't get any work related mails. Plus he didn't have anything else to do. He wasn't someone who went into bars or pubs, so he'd just stay in bed, do some work, before he'd go to sleep. The earlier he went to bed, the earlier he could get up and the more time he'd have to wander around and be some sort of productive. 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	2. We can't just be friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wakes up to his second day in London, which starts off with some flashbacks of him and Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this isn't boring, but it's gonna take a while for them 2 to interact

Evan woke up to the sound of some construction workers outside. He took a look at the clock hanging on the wall. It's only 7am. "Great." He muttered to himself. Evan was that kind of person, who can't fall back asleep after being woken up. So he just laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about his dream. It was about his last interaction with Connor. He hasn't dreamed about him in years, but seeing him in this candy store brought back some memories. 

It was a Febuary day when Connor and Evan met. It was actually a sunday. They both agreed on meeting each other in their hometown in a cafe. Evan already knew how this 'date' would end. They'd break up. Evan knew it. He could feel it. He knew Connor was unhappy, he was unhappy too. He loved Connor from the bottom of his heart. He never felt this way. He didn't even think that he was capable of feeling so deeply. Whenever an author described love and how wonderful it felt, Evan felt like it was being exaggerated. But then he fell for Connor.  
He still remembers how. They've never talked to each other. But one day, when he was sitting in the library, Connor came to his desk and asked him if he could sit there, because all other seats were already taken. Of course Evan said yes, not only because he was a tiny bit afraid of Connor, but also because he knew that feeling of not belonging anywhere. This ended in Connor signing Evan's cast and them both meeting up in the library more often. Both of them were outcasts, so why not be outcasts together ? They ended up exchanging their phone numbers and hanging out, until Connor texted him when he was high one day and actually showed up at his front door, where he told Evan how he felt about him. Evan didn't believe him, but he let him inside and sleep on the couch, so he could sober up. The next morning Connor repeated his 'love confession' and the rest is history.  
They supported each other as much as possible and made this 'shit hole' , how Connor referred to school, more bearable.  
Evan made sure Connor went to school as reguarly as possible and Connor made sure Evan didn't have so many full on panic attacks. They both teamed up in their classes when some group projects had to be done. Evan even convinced Connor to do his homework from time to time, much to his teachers surprise.  
They went on so many dates that Evan lost count. Connor was actually a pretty romantic person under all his anger and frustration. He loved surprising Evan.  
Of course they had fights. Connor would yell and puncht the wall, he'd throw stuff and say things he'd regret a couple of hours later. Evan would cry, and run away and not talk to him for days, but they always forgave each other. No matter how bad it got , they always made their way back to each other.  
Until this one specific Febuary day. They haven't seen each other since Christmas, which meant they were at their families, so they didn't actually have that much time together since their families also wanted to spend time with them. They saw each other on New Year's Eve the last time and Evan already knew that night that it'd be over pretty soon. Then after not talking for a week, because both of them were too busy they had a fight. And fights over the phone are even worse. Not actually seeing the other person just makes it worse and even more complicated and difficult. That was their last fight. The day after this Connor told him that they need to talk as soon as possible.  
So they met each other in a cafe in their hometown. Evan arrived before Connor. He didn't order anything. He didn't feel like eating or drinking anything. He barely slept that night. He knew it'd come to an end since almost 2 months, but that still didn't change the pain a breakup brings. He wasn't ready to let Connor go. But he knew they were fighting a battle that they already lost.  
When Connor finally entered the cafe Evan tried to smile at him. Connor got a nose piercing in the last months of not seeing Evan and it suited him really well. He didn't even tell Evan about the piercing.  
Connor sat down and rubbed his hands together, obviously red from the cold outside. Connor tried to smile at him. "So, how have you been?" he asked. And so they both talked about the last couple of weeks. Just checking up on each other and their college lives. But Evan knew that this was not the reason for the meeting.  
"Ev, I don't know how to say this, but I think you already know why we're here." Connor said.  
"Yeah, I-I know."  
"I really don't want this to end, but it just doesn't work anymore. I tried to come up with another solution, but I can't. I don't wanna lose you.."Connor sighed. He stared onto his hands which where resting in his lap.  
"I-I don't w-wanna end th-this e-either, but it's b-better this w-way. A-and that doesn't m-mean we c-can't be fr-friends anymore, r-right?" Evan asked.  
"We'll still be friends. You're way too important to just cross you out of my life, Evan. We'll be friends." Connor assured him.  
That was the last time they talked.  
After that day they haven't seen each other again, nor texted or called the other. It just stopped. Like their relationship had never existed. 

Evan shook his head and sighed. "Enough of that." He got up and ready. This wasn't the time to dwell on some old memories. He was here for a different reason.  
Evan went into the canteen of the hotel to eat some breakfast and then he'd head out for the day. Explore some more of the city and not think about Connor.  
That was his past and he didn't want to live in that.


	3. Would you even recognise me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan continues his journey through London and has flashbacks of Shrek and roller skates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating, but I didn't really have any ideas.  
> Hope you enjoy this chapter and sorry if there's not enough 'gayness' (I'll work on it, stay patient)

That was easier said than actually done. 

When Evan finished his breakfast he went back to his suite to gather his things and get ready for the day. He put on a light grey hoodie, some black jeans, a light blue denimjacket and his shoes. He remembered how he’d only worn blue polo shirts and khakis in school. He still liked to put this kind of clothes on, but he preferred other kind of clothing now. It took him a while to get out of his comfort zone, but he did it. He was always anxious about how people would judge him based on his clothes. What if they thought that he was poor just because there was a hole in his pants? What if someone was offended by a logo on his shirt? What if people thought he tried too hard to be cool and fit in? There were a lot of reasons for him not changing his style and going with polos and khakis, even though there is nothing wrong with these kind of things. 

But he overcame that. He overcame a lot of things in the last couple of years. He overcame his stuttering. He’d still do from time to time, but it happened so rarely these days. He didn’t completely overcome his anxiety and he didn’t expect to ever actually do that, but it got better. He could make phone calls, open the door, go outside, talk to the cashier, he even travelled alone to another country! Yes, he’d come far. Farther than he had ever imagined. If his 18 year old self could see him right now, he wouldn’t recognise him. He didn’t even recognise himself from time to time. 

After one last glance in the mirror he grabbed his backpack, his key and left. He was on his way to the Big Ben, the London Eye and all the other things that would await him there.  
He walked to the tube station like the days before and drove until he reached the Westminster station.  
When he came out of the station he couldn’t hold himself back and said “wow” out loud. The first thing he saw when he came out of the station was the Big Ben. It was right in front of him, just on the other side of the road. He’d seen it in movies, shows, pictures so many times, but nothing came even close to this. He was speechless. Nothing could have prepared him for this view. He just stood there for maybe 2 minutes until someone bumped into him and he got ripped out of his thoughts. He walked around, went to the other side of the road, took photos and just looked at it. Evan wasn’t an expert when it came to architecture, but this was a piece of art, no doubt.  
As he looked to the right he noticed a little souvenir shop. He saw all those little keychains of the Big Ben. It was such a weird sight to have the original tower on your left and those miniature ones on your right. Turning something so gigantic into something so small just didn’t seem right to him. 

He walked over the Westminster Bridge and looked down into the thames. Water had such a relaxing effect on him. When he felt overwhelmed he showered of splashed some water in his face. He’d notice how the waves of the ocean would kind of carry his worries away every time he stood at the shore. It calmed him down. His mom told that him that it always did. Even when he was younger. When he was a baby he loved taking baths or just to go swimming. Sure, that all became less over the years, especially the going swimming part, but his love for this element never went away. The 18 year old Evan would probably be scared nonetheless while standing on the bridge and leaning over the railing. Past him would be scared to fall into the water or drop his phone or bag, but he wasn’t like this anymore. He knew none of that would happen. The railing was high enough and he wasn’t leaning that far over it. 

After that he moved on and passed by the London Dungeons. He was tempted to go inside, but he figured it’d be more fun to do this with some friends. One day he’d come back with them and they’d all go inside.  
Next to the dungeon was a shop he would have never expected there. What was if even doing there in the first place?  
To the left of the London Dungeon was a shop named “Shrek’s adventure”. If only Jared would have been there. He would have appreciated it in so many ways Evan never could. He still remembered that one time Jared dressed up as Shrek for Halloween. 

 

It was Halloween and Jared would throw a little party at his place. Evan was around 15 or 16 at that time. And he actually didn’t want to go there. There’d be so many people and he didn’t know like 99% of them. And those 99% probably didn’t even know he existed in the first place. But he had promised Jared to show up, even if it was only for an hour or two. His mom was so excited. She loved going to Halloween parties when she was younger.  
“I loved it so much. It was my favourite day of the year. I’d pick out my costumes months before the party just to make it perfect. God, I miss that. You’ll enjoy it, honey.” Heidi had said while cupping his face in her hands and giving him a reassuring smile.  
“Why don’t you go to any parties anymore? There are still plenty of them for adults?”  
“It’s not that easy. You know I have to work a lot, especially on Halloween, since I don’t have little children like other nurses, who can’t take the nightshift because their kids are trick or treating. Also I doubt anyone I know goes to those parties. They’re not the youngest. And I’m not either.” She laughed. “I’d probably wouldn’t even make it through more than one hour these days before wanting to go home.”  
Evan felt bad. His mom obviously missed this and he didn’t even want it. He should feel grateful for being able to go there, but he couldn’t.  
“You wanna get ready and put your costume on?” Heidi asked excited. Evan nodded. 

The doorbell rang.  
“Really Hansen? A fucking stormtrooper? What are you? 11?” Jared laughed while opening the door.  
“Says the guy in a Shrek costume.” Evan responded while rolling his eyes.  
“You take that back mister! Shrek is an important part of our culture and today is the only day I can dress up as my hero and saviour. So, don’t disrespect him!”  
Sometimes he didn’t know how much of the things Jared said were a joke and how much was serious. He knew Jared watched the movies, already when he was younger and Jared always said he liked those movies, but to what extent?  
“You wanna stand there all night and gimme that weird look?” Jared asked while opening the door even wider.  
Evan was the first one to arrive. Jared had actually asked him to come over before anyone else so they could finish the rest of the decoration and food. 

 

Evan remembered almost every single thing of this night. It was his first Halloween party and his last.  
He shook his head. This was not the time nor the place for flashbacks. He didn’t want to go inside, but he knew that Jared would never forgive him, if he didn’t. So he went inside and everywhere was just merchandise of this movie. Posters, stuffed animals, cups, everything. He was ready to leave the second he set a food inside this shop. He took some photos of it and left. 

He made his way towards the London Eye. He didn’t know why a Ferris wheel was that exciting. People seriously paid over 30 pounds for that? Sure, you can see pretty much the whole city from up there, but at the end of the day it’s just a Ferris Wheel. Also the weather isn’t that great a lot, so you couldn’t see a lot from up there anyway. But he still wanted to see it in ‘real life’.  
But the thing that actually caught his attention was that little horse carousel next to it. It had little moving horses on it and some carriages that move from time to time. He loved these kind of carousels. A lot of people would consider them as ‘boring’ or ‘for babies’. But he liked them. He just stood there and watched all these people, mostly children with their parents, have fun. He sighed. If his mom would have been there he would have totally dragged her with him on this thing. It was their thing. They already did that when Evan was very little and actually too small to go on carousels alone. But he saw those horses and couldn’t resist. He never rode an actual horse and his very young self hadn’t either, but he thought that this was pretty close to it. He remembered how his mom laughed. She was always so full of joy in these moments. She looked at least 10 years younger. He barely saw her like that. Her eyes were full of life and they’d shine so intensely. She laughed and giggled and held his hand. He sighed. Evan swore himself that as soon as he’d get home he’d take his mom to the next funfair and go on such a carousel with her, hoping to see that look of joy again. 

Further down was a little roller skate disco. He stood there for a moment. He visited a roller skate disco once. With Connor.  
No, he didn’t want to think about that now. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Evan fell onto his bed. He was tired and ready to fall asleep. That night he dreamed of Connor and roller skates. 

 

Connor and Evan were in Connor’s room doing their homework. Connor dreaded it for so long, but Evan finally convinced him that it’d be a lot better if they’d finished them first and then hung out. Math wasn’t Evan’s favourite subject, but he just wanted it to be over so they could do other things. He was just in the middle of an equation when Connor said something.  
“We should go on a date.”  
Evan looked up with furrowed brows.  
“Don’t you think?” Connor tilted his head.  
Connor and Evan had been together for 2 months at this point and now he’s asking for a date?  
“Y-you mean s-something f-formal?”  
“Not like ‘formal-formal’. I’m not talking about 5 stars restaurants, at least not yet, but we’ve never really been on a date. We hung out at my place, at yours, at Jared’s, but that’s it.”  
“D-does that b-bother y-you..?” Evan looked away.  
“No! No, not really, I just thought it’d be nice for a change.” Connor took his hand and squeezed it. Evan looked up and smiled back at him.  
“Ok-okay. We sh-should go on a d-date. Did y-you have an-anything in m-mind?”  
“Yes, but it’s a surprise.” Before Evan could respond he had kissed him.  
Connor picked him up 3 days later on a Friday night. He told him to just put on something casual. After overthinking every single possible meaning of the word he finally found something. It was a dark blue polo shirt with a red collar and some dark jeans. He put on his black jacket and met Connor outside his house. Connor was dressed in black from head to toe, but he looked good. He always did.  
“I love the shirt.” Connor stated. Evan blushed. He was glad he had picked out that one.  
The drive to the mysterious place was quiet, but it was a very comfortable silence like a lot of times. They didn’t need a lot of words to explain how much they enjoyed the others company. They came to a halt after 20minutes. Evan looked to his right. “Roller skate disco?” he asked out loud. Connor grinned and shrugged at him.  
Evan knew how to roller skate, kind of. He did a lot when he was younger. And Connor? He was amazing. That was something Evan didn’t know about him and probably would have never found out.  
They skated around for 2 or 3 hours, constantly holding each other’s hand and laughing. He loved this side of Connor. He wished he would see this side so much more. A happy, relaxed Connor, not the angry and lost one. He loved every single one Connor’s side, but he wanted him to be happy.  
Evan looked at the boy he loved with all of his heart. That night was the night he was sure that he loved Connor Murphy. That he didn’t just like him. No, he loved this boy. He loved every piece of him. From the way he puts his hair in a messy bun or pony tail, just to open his hair again after 1 minute. He loved the little freckles all around his nose. The little dark brown spots on his blue iris. The way he said “Ev” or “Hansen”. He loved his black chipped nail polish. His black ripped jeans. His black sweater he never took off. He loved his dirty brown boots. He loved his humor. His laugh. His smile. His bad jokes. He loved his creativity. His strength. He loved the way he hold Evan. He loved the way Connor treated Heidi, how much he respected her. He loved his voice. He loved his nerdiness, which Connor would always try to hide, when in reality he had every single line of ‘Lord of the rings’ memorized. The list could have gone forever. Evan loved this boy and he knew he’d never be able to love anyone as much as he loved Connor. And he was sure that nothing would ever come between them. 

But it did. Evan woke up in a puddle of sweat and some tears.


End file.
